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Posts Tagged ‘humor’

Final Countdown…


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It’s almost here! Check back tonight and then tell me what you think of the new website! You can be my personal debuggers.


Until then, here are some Dalai highlights from the past week:


* Swear Jar is up to $23


* I made the most amazing raw brussel sprout and kale salad that you are going to die over – I’ll post after Spring Break!


* Dalai T asked how a baby comes out of the tummy and I told him “doctors cut them out.” I’m not proud of myself.


* Dalai Dan went shopping Sunday: Captain Crunch, Oreos, Pringles, Fruity Snacks, Trix Yogurt, and Lunchables. It’s no wonder they prefer him.


* I just bought the exact pair of white jeans with ankle zippers that I owned in 8th grade.


* I just started reading The Passion Test and I’m loving it!


* I somehow got roped into doing a karaoke dance performance for charity that requires me to memorize 87 moves, including the clock, the jerk and jazz squares.


* My legs saw their first sunlight in 6 months yesterday…until my daughter had to ask me why “marks” (aka veins) all over them.


* In 4 days we leave for Disney World! Kids are out of their minds with excitement. I am frightened to put on a bathing suit…with my marks and all…


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Foto Friday

I think you will see exactly why I HAD to post this video a friend sent me…


Have an incredible weekend filled with laughter!



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I got some hilarious emails & comments from readers and friends about my Friday’s post that prompted me to take some snap shots from a different perspective.


It is easy to zoom in, filter out the noise, and see beauty in everyday objects around you. Zoom out, however, and I live in the heart of the Chaos Theory.


Let’s start with my desk, which looks like this every day. I have an organizational rhythm beneath the exterior mayhem which Dalai Dan cannot appreciate. This desk is possibly our biggest threat to our marriage, second only to his milk expiration date phobia.



My bathroom is not much better. If I know I’m going to use all of this stuff the next day, why bother?



Let move onto the animals, who try their very best to add a unique imprint on our home. Remember my favorite chair? It is right next to this mess created the same day by our bladder-challenged dog.



Moving onto our cat, who poops no less than 12 times a day. And every time she does, she digs a whole big enough to conceal a dead body, enthusiastically flinging her litter all over the floor.


Notice the towel under her litter box? It is there because she constantly underestimated the size of her butt. I can’t tell you how many times I have watched Mia squat her bum over the edge and pee all over the floor.



There is the dirty girl…



Our children are no better than the animals. Their destructive force is immeasurable. I have commiserated about it with you here.





Dalai Daniel’s lego obsession has not been thwarted. His lego men, heads, arms, and pieces are still all over the house. And in the vacuum cleaner bag. I bet there are 3 dozen severed lego hands in there.



This is a light day for the air hockey table. Only home to 3 coats, 2 pairs of socks, 1 plate with cemented quesadilla cheese, 2 granola bar wrappers, 1 backpack, 1 guitar, 1 tennis racquet, and 27 school worksheets.



I have my limits. I refuse to show you what I found INSIDE the toilet, which could be anywhere from 8 hours to 3 days old. We are still working on flushing in the Dalai household.



All-in-all, an accurate reflection of a typical Sunday mess.


I hope this makes you feel better about your stained carpet, overstuffed drawers, and out-of-control clutter. You are in good company 😉


I’m off to clean! Have a fantastic, clean day!


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Ever since Jess Ainscough posted this on Wellness Warrior (an awesome site you should check out – she has an amazing story) I can’t stop watching it. It completely gives me the giggles.


How is it possible that there are people out there so weird creative, they come up with talking shells…and it works?


Trust me, it will give you a smile during the last, crazy Christmas push…



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How quickly dinner at the Dalai household can deteriorate…


1.  If we could time travel, Dalai Dan would want to go into the future 200 years.


2. Thomas would want to go back to the 1600s.


3. Pissy Missy is dying to go a whole year into the future.


4. Dalai Lina would rather lose a leg than an arm.


5. The rest cheated and opted for pinkie toes. Max a shaft of hair.


6. If they could do any job, Max would want to be an NFL quarterback.


7. Thomas a scientist.


8. Annabelle wants to work at a donut shop.


9. If she had to marry someone to save the world, Annabelle would pick Addison.


10. Dalai Daniel would marry his chair or let the world explode.


11. If she could live any city, Annabelle choose South Carolina (although she has never been there).


12. If we could re-live any vacation, Dalai D would go back to Mexico.


13. I would go to France.


14. If we had to pick any skin color that doesn’t already exist, Dalai T and Dalai Dad would pick light blue. Max wants red, Annabelle yellow, Daniel orange and me, purple.


15. All the kids opted for a viral video of themselves picking and eating their buggers over going to school naked.


16. Surprisingly, Max would rather drink Thomas’s pee over our dog’s poo.


17. Annabelle would choose our cat’s poo over our dogs. (So would I)


18. There were various poo/pee combinations, and 90% of the time, pee won.


19. Thomas would rather have an epic fart in front of the President over peeing in his pants.


20. All were unanimous that they would rather have uncuttable, shoulder length ear hair over nose hair.


21. The boys chose losing their outer ears over having no nose and looking like Voldemort.


22. Dalai Dan would rather have hair down to his butt over being bald.


23. Pissy Missy would rather lose her teeth over having a big, pointy nose like her mom.


24. I told her I would start praying for her to have a big pointy nose.


25. Finally, when asked what other parent would have an inappropriate conversation like this one with their kids, without hesitation they all yelled “Mr. Bolin!”


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I’ve been researching and finally have come up with a proper medical diagnosis for Dalai Daniel:


Oppositional Defiant Disorder


“A pattern of disobedient, defiant behavior towards adult authority”


Yep. That’s him. Nailed it.



In school they have a traffic light system for behavior: green is good, yellow is a warning and red means, “Stop it Daniel!”


Then I get an email detailing his obnoxious behavior. I’m considering tagging his teacher’s email as spam because they are beginning to clog up my inbox.


Red Light #1 – Dalai Daniel decided that parachute games are dumb and only for babies at Gymboree (agreed), so he refused to participate. When the teachers said he had to, he promptly ran into the parachute, knowing it was against the rules, so he would be taken out of the game and…you guessed it…NOT HAVE TO PLAY THE DUMB PARACHUTE GAME. Brilliant! I think he needs to be tested for the gifted program.


Red Light #2 – The little bugger was caught teaching a group of kids how to pretend to flip people off with their ring finger. (Note, the Dalai Lina does not flip people off. I prefer to verbalize my anger, in the form of the word SHIT mostly. Sometimes f*ck is more appropriate. So, frankly, I don’t know where he got this from) Despite our long talk, the kid still argues that he is, in fact, innocent because he didn’t ACTUALLY flip someone off. I’m thinking attorney? Politician? Because he has a point…


Red light #3 – He was caught twice putting his friends into choke holds while standing in line. A perfectly innocent act if you knew how many times the kid is in a brotherly love choke hold on the family room floor. Until someone gets hurt and an all-out fist fight ensues. Ending only when mom breaks it up or someone up crying from a bloody rug burn. Not a stellar move on his part, but I can see the confusion. I’ll give him a pass.


This is really nothing new to us.  Little D has been bucking authority since they day he was born. I remember trying to use “Love and Logic” on him: give him a set of choices to pick from so that he feels in control. Worked on my other two kids just fine.


Then one day when he was about three years old and my husband told him he couldn’t have a bite of his candy or a sip of his Coke, Dalai Daniel says to him,


“Dad, I’ll give you three choices. You give me a piece of your candy, you give me a sip of your Coke, or I’ll bite your thumb off.”


Three words: Oppositional Defiant Disorder



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School Spirit

Trying to win the spirit award for his school’s Buddy Run, Dalai Daniel is, well…

a winner?

Words escape me.  Nerd comes to mind.  And love.  Big love.

 

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Has Fall snuck up on anyone else?


Where have I been? I just looked at my calendar and noticed that Halloween is one week away and I’m still buying watermelon.


It was just a couple of days ago when I was busy organizing my photos, cleaning my desk, and constructing a massive to do list that it dawned on me: I’m like one of my yard squirrels frantically collecting nuts and getting ready for winter. (Dear God, please let them be collecting nuts in a tree or something. Lord knows we don’t need another squirrel slaying)



All this rushing here and there, feeling a bit frantic and having a dull sense of anxiety that I can’t put my finger on….oh, right. It’s FALL! Duuu.


If I had been paying attention I would have noticed the signs:


1. Trees losing their leaves?


How about my instinctual need to clean out my craft room. Or go through the kids clothes and give them away. Maybe my unshakable desire to do another cleanse and get my body ready for winter? (more on that later!)


Yep. We are all shedding our sh*t. Just like the trees. Getting ready to hunker down for the cold, quiet winter.


Have you found yourself getting rid of stuff? Maybe even letting go of an idea, grudge or mindset? That’s what fall is all about: letting go. Clearing the slate so that you can use the winter months to reflect and rejuvenate.


2. Squirrels collecting nuts and getting their homes ready for lots of inside time?


I can relate. Why do you think I needed to make and freeze 6 gallons of chili? Or keep thinking I need to change my family room furniture back to the dark, plush velvet fabric (remember?) How about stocking up on a 6 month supply of paper towels and a 12 year inventory of feminine hygiene products? (that’s Costco’s fault. I’m hypnotized by the flourescent lights) Wake up, Dalai, it’s not summer anymore.


Have you been nesting lately? Not surprising! You’re just like that busy squirrel. Except less hairy. And you don’t eat jack-o-lanterns.



3. Busy, busy, busy?


Emails, deadlines, wrap ups, last chances. My head is spinning as everyone is in the final push. Hurry up and get it done! I can hardly get though my inbox.


I should have realized my anxious need to finalize things, get my ducks in a row, and close out some long-standing to-do’s was a sign of the season. My subconscious knew what time of year it was even if I was stuck in summer.


Have you been feeling frantic? Maybe feeling a sense of urgency to get things done?


It’s that darn Fall again. Absolutely the busiest season of them all, hands down. Hurry. Work. Prepare. Go! By the time it is over, we’ll want to Fall over dead. Just like my hostas. But we call come back in the spring…it’s the cycle of life.


Good luck, little squirrels!



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I have a a confession to make. I am obsessed with Project Runway. I’ve been watching it for years.


When ever you get gay men and fabric together, I’m so in. So, so in.


Can you believe this about me? I know it’s disappointing. Go ahead, delete your Dalai subscription now.


Dalai Dan thinks less of me when I watch it. He is confused and disgusted. He doesn’t understand or appreciate creativity, skill, and homosexual humor.


I do.



It has been taped for almost a week, taunting me. Begging me to forget about feeding my children and just watch….


Will Josh have another girlie outburst?


Will Anya’s amateur sewing skills finally do her in?


It takes so little to entertain me. So very very little. Just a room without kids, really. And a couple gay men.


Which is why I can’t write anything thought provoking or inspirational right now. The TV is calling me…



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Kansas City has a new landmark in town. September 17 marked the grand opening of the Kauffman Performing Art Center which has been in the works for YEARS.



It is a truly stunning work of art, designed by internationally acclaimed architect Moshe Safdie and tuned by the best acoustician in the world, Yasuhisa Toyota.



We were out of town in Napa on the grand opening weekend. I’ve been dying to get a look inside, so I had a brilliant idea of taking my two youngest, Dalai Daniel and Pissy Missy to the world premiere of Tom Sawyer ballet.



Let’s just say, I overestimated.


Not the awesomeness of the structure. My kids ability to act like humans.


I kind of forgot they don’t talk or sing in ballets.



I couldn’t be too hard on them for thinking it was over and asking to leave after the first NUMBER. Not ACT. Five minutes. Done. Because they didn’t know what the hell was going on. And neither did I. Can you put some Cliff notes in the Playbill, people?



Not all was for naught. Annabelle got a solid nap and hydrated my arm with her drool. Daniel learned a good lesson in the perils of wiggling after hitting his head so hard on the chair’s sponsorship plaque it drew blood. (“You see mom, I told you why I hate this place!”)


And I remembered I’m not a ballet lover either.


So shoot me. I like words. Duh.


Call me Philistine but I prefer to eat popcorn when I’m sitting in uncomfortable chairs.



Whatever, so the people behind us decided to move seats. Worse things have happened. I’m just trying to culturalize my pups, fellow citizens, have pity on me.


(And them. They asked where the popcorn machine was. The apple doesn’t fall…)


p.s. The building is magnificent. Beautiful. Simply beautiful.


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